The Tragedy of my Left Ring Finger

My left ring finger is pretty swollen today. It resembles a thumb but with one extra knuckle and a long thin bit before the nail. But you get the picture. If not here's one:

Not my finger, because I'm not in the army. But I know how he feels...

My finger hasn't always had the greatest of intellects. See the timeline below as proof.

Timeline of my finger:

1993 - Grade 7. During a discussion concerning the insignificance of our fleeting existence and something about how much of loser he was, a classmate decided to retort by kicking me. In a true display of daring, my finger threw caution to the wind and single-fingeredly defended by honour. It didn't look pretty.

1995 - While in goal during a thrilling game of foot hockey, instead of using my winter coat to stop the tennis ball, my finger heroically stopped the ball all by itself. Well, let's just say my finger somewhat resembled what is does this morning. For two weeks. That's a lot of foot hockey to miss. Good thing I could still score hat tricks like it was 1991.

Now pretend they're not wearing equipment (except of course a winter coat for the goalie), the ice is actually asphalt, and the stick and puck are replaced with a foot and a tennis ball. There ya go...

2000 - During a rugby practise in OAC (that's grade 13, when it was cool to be in high school for 5 years), my finger claimed glory by attempting to take the ball from an opponent. Unfortunately, my body was trying to tackle the ball carrier. That moment of misjudgment cost me the proper alignment of my finger joints so that my left ring finger existed on a different plane from the rest of my hand.

2002 - Upon walking through a door, my finger fell into one its rare bouts of stubbornness and acted like a dog who doesn't want to cross the street. So, whilst my body passed the door frame without incident, my finger make contact (with great momentum) with the unyielding door jam.

March 14, 2006 - I have seen a pattern above where my finger seems to be at fault for many of its injuries. But last night was the exception. You see, my finger has learned a lot over the years about defending, attacking, and being awesome at foot hockey. So when I was grappling at tae kwon do practise last night and my finger went twist and swell, I immediately realized that my finger was not at fault but actually my opponent's sweat was the culpret. Despite this my finger is still sad, as am I once again.

Now, while injuring yourself is cool and wicked and all that, there are a few things in life that I cannot totally experience with my disabled finger.

1. I can no longer jam my hand into a brick wall like I used to
2. I can't play guitar chords that need more than three fingers
3. And I can't wear a wedding ring

...Or can I? Until now I thought I'd forever remain unmarried (read: free) because no woman would want to wed my hideous beast of a finger. And then I discovered the wonderful world of Superfit!

Oh joy! Now if I could only just jam my hand into a wall or find a game of foot hockey, I'd be happy.